the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Best friends brother. Beat that.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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