She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
