until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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