can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
