Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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