Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
