I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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