ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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