Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
