I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
