I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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