Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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