I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
