Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i barfeds in our rink
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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