He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
