I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
