If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
