u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
