I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
