If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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