I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
