i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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