Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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