Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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