Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
