Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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