I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
