The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
