i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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