I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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