I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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