Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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