There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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