Got a toothbrush?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
