It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
