I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
