Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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