God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
