Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
