70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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