i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
