An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
