this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I need to calm my uterus...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
