the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
