are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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