I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
