What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize