I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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