so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize