first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
