he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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