oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
