just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
