sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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