Michael Bay diarrhea
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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